existentialism at my best, I guess.

Fuck. I need to work on my voice. Quitting smoking is the first start which is the end of this month. I got the soul, got the will. I could give you goosebumps and make you feel nostalgic when you've never heard my song before. Make the girls wet and make the guys wish they could be like me. I would have such good stage performance that would rival the gods. I could be so great if only I could get off my ass.

Sarturday marks another year. I'll be 22. In the sense that every year is new we celebrate January 1st, but in the sense of you are your own person walking through life as an individual, your birthday marks the new year in you and your soul. I've gone through some shit this year, saturday marks the change. I will commit myself to betterness, to equality, to becoming something greater than I am today.

"I'm feelin like a lonely hobo all alone in my bed, yeah. Nobody has to blame, no not at all. We got to cooperate, pick eachother up each time we fall, simplify the complications get together to unite, we got the power with in our hands, got to train to turn this dark to light."

I did it once before and faltered, but don't we all? It's fall, I'm a fall child, fall is the biggest season of change and I do it near constantly, with every inspiration and every gleam at a change. there's nothing holding me back, so why not? This is all we really can do apart from actively changing our world and the people who don't realize this get on my nerves. Those fake sons a bitches that just do what they need to do for status more than the soul. You need status to survive if you want that age old retirement plan and fund or the money to outlast your life, but human nature is to spend it when ya got it. So without that fucking fund you aint got shit unless you're a master planner.

"I aint got no status or a fuckin diamond rock, but I still got the voice to sing!"

The hypocrisy of everything can drive you mad so we all live in a world of "Ignorance is bliss" which has worked for me in the past but it can't last forever in the real world, only in the part that you choose to ignore society and the shit that comes with it, or what the government is doing or politricks in general. I can be what I want to be if I try hard enough, just as anyone can, but what if I want to take my own time at it? I'm tired of the world and people telling me I have to live one hundred million miles an hour fast asleep. After all how do you feel when you're alone?

"It's your only day and you got all the truth but you'll never feel the way you were"

I'm tired. So damn tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. So maybe I have open eyes. Maybe I can see the world better than she can, maybe better than you can and yeah it gets me down, yeah it gets me down. But do I let it win me over? More times than not the answer to that question is no. I try my damnedest and why should I be punished. I've been scared. I've chosen safety over going for the big. But as they say "Go big or go home" and I've forgotten that from time to time, but is that really so bad that I should be treated the way people have treated me? I don't think so, but hey this is me.

As Brandon Boyd said:
"But therin lies the gift! You don't have to agree with me! or I with you. Cool, huh? So attack, criticize, chime in, fire at will, blog me to death, correct my spelling. this is a work in progress. "Spirit in action,"(to borrow a new favorite term). Art is my window and my opportunity to let the butterflies in my stomach fly free. And whether you like how they look or sound in mid flight, know this; "I don't take myself that seriously." I approach language and life with an inherent respect. And lastly I will always be eternally grateful for the opportunity and this experience"

"Have I read this book before? Have I seen these pictures? I think I have, but it's still fun to go through it again." Is what I thought to myself while flipping through the murks of the sultry abyss. That's basically why I'm here. I was probably drunk off my ass laying on a cloud in the afterlife, drooling on some state, province, country that turned in to rain when I said "Let me try it again, I'm bored. This feels like a good time to try again, dude, set it on nightmare I've only played x amount of times, I got this, don't worry, it's all good, now let me at it"

In closing on this chapter I must admit, I don't know if I have this, or if I know the rules of the game and how to play it, I've fucked up so many times that I've considered myself "the eternal fuck up" and guess what, he never wins. But the point is all you can do is try and hope that those around you are willing to realize that you are only human and not hold you to a superhuman standard and of course and most important forgive you. We all do it, no one can say they haven't, no one is ever perfect but the again I'm just repeating shit that has been said since the beginning of language, so I'll stop.

Hopefully you just have people out there that understand you and are willing to let you be so you can do what you have to do to survive hell or nightmare mode. If it's easy for you then congrats, you're a newb to life or it's just treating you well, but for most of us old souls, it's a bitch and we chose it that way, eventually you get bored, everyone does and you decide to play the game again with a higher price and a higher prize.